When I started college I thought I knew everything. Not everything about life, but I definitely thought that I knew everything about myself. And I'd totally be lying if I said I didn't think this way since I was probably around 16. And even sitting here writing this, it hurts my ego a little bit to admit that I was so incredibly wrong.
But just these past few years have taught me more about life and about myself than those first 18-19 years ever did and I'm sure that you could say the same. My hair's changed, my clothes have changed, some friends have changed, and even what I ultimately want in a relationship has changed dramatically since then. I listen to new genres of music, I take baths for fun, and I've read so many more books that have just picked up my world and spun it around and impacted the very way I think about everything. I've grown closer relationships with my family members while learning how to live and take care of myself on my own, and even figured out how to put my mind at ease when it feels like the weight of anxiety might just run me down and take me over. I graduated college without any sense of direction and by the grace of God got started in a career that I already love that allows me to travel and support myself without worry. But the absolute most important thing that I've learned about myself within these past few years, is that there are so many different sides to me. There's things I like about me, things I don't, and things I may still want to change. Sometimes I'm motivated and energetic and feel like I could sit down and write a novel, and sometimes I wanna be a couch potato and watch 6 straight hours of Friends reruns. Sometimes I'm completely social and wanna go out and have fun with my friends, and other times I wanna wrap up in a million blankets, put my phone on DND, light some candles, and just watch a movie by myself. Sometimes I get the giggles and laugh so hard I cry, and then I put my headphones in and start my workout and become bionic woman who just has no sense of emotion whatsoever. Sometimes I get up early, sometimes I sleep 'til noon. Sometimes I eat healthy, sometimes I eat an entire pint of ice cream to myself. Sometimes I love love, and other times I believe that there's a possibility it might not even exist. There's times when I'm on and everything that comes out of my mouth is exactly what I wanted to say. But those other times when I'm off I can't even say my drive-thru order without sounding like English is my second language. I get flustered easily and jump at loud noises or I'm the first one at the door with an upside down empty champagne bottle that I somehow think I can use as a weapon to defend myself. I wake up confident one day and love myself and who I am, and wake up sluggish and dislike everything the next. There's days when I feel calm, I feel relaxed, and I have more than enough time to pray. But other days I close my eyes and just ask the Lord to "please help me stay sane".
The truth is that I still don't know exactly who I am, because it changes all the time. And everyday I'm learning things about myself that I never knew at 19 or even 20. "Fake it 'til you make it" has truly become a life motto of mine. Because I promise you, that's really what we're all doing at one point or another. We've all got sides, we've all got moods, and quirks, and issues, and room for all these new discoveries. And we're all just gonna keep moving and shaking and growing as we go. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you don't have to know exactly who you are right now or who you're going to be, but realize and accept yourself for who you are right now in this moment. When it comes to you, there's always going to be things you like, things you don't like, and things you hope to change. But all of this is who you are at this very moment and you've just gotta love it all! You're not going to be on all the time, and you're not always going to be off either. It's a great feeling sometimes to pretend like you have it all together but it's also nice to let yourself breathe and admit you're realistically sitting in the very front row of the struggle bus sometimes too.
Nobody wants your perfection, they just wanna know you've got a heart.
Accept where you are right now in your life and be thankful for those college years that gave you wisdom. And then go and find those special people who match up with where you're at. And then a few more years from now you can all grab a glass of wine and talk about how much you didn't know "back then" and what it is that you "know now".